h i m


A year ago today, rocking and patting a newborn on the bum and hearing squeaks and grunts was just a dream that had ended too soon.  This past year has been one full of emotions (more than the usual) and personal growth. I still feel as if I am trying to process and embrace it all.

A year ago today, I gave birth to our unborn child Nicholas Lynn at 17 weeks pregnant.

We went in for a routine ultrasound (to check and see if my placenta had moved up with the growth of the baby) and after a long silence it was evident that something was most definitely wrong.  A tear crept down my cheek and what was only moments later, but felt like days, the tech said she could not find the heartbeat and the growth of our beautiful unborn child was only measuring around 15 weeks.  Bryan and I both began to sob and embrace each other.  Like all the others that have been through this for the first time, we just never imagined . . .

Daily, it’s the small things that remind me.  There are some days I think of you with joy and others sadness.   Although, we have been blessed with another sweet babe, we still miss you so.  I believe with all my heart that you along with our loving and great God played a huge role in us conceiving Mr. Tate.  You will always be a part of us and him.  You are our mighty Saint Nicholas!

Today we celebrated your first birthday by singing the birthday song and eating this. I think God everyday for giving you to me for the time that he did and I know Tate will always have a little piece of you in his heart and soul.  You enabled my dream to pick up where it left off.  We will always love you so!

(it took me year to write this and as you can see I still fumble around with the words.  i feel them in my heart, but am not for sure if the exact right ones can or will ever be written.)

Nicholas’s birthday dessert . . .

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